Better Week
Hi Everyone,
Well I didn't get to blogging on Sunday as promised in my Saturday blogg and then next thing you know it's Friday again. Last weekend on Friday evening I went out with friends from work to celebrate one of my colleagues birthday. I viewed it as a good opportunity to see a few work people so that come January (when I return to work full time) my first day back is not completely overwhelming seeing everyone for the first time. The night was fun but come the end of the night, the coat check had lost my jacket. Not a big deal for most, but for me it was huge. It had nothing really to do with the loss of the jacket... I could really care less, I can buy a new jacket, it had to do with the "meaning" behind the loss. You see, these days everything holds greater meaning for me then what most would view it to be...let me explain. Since the coat check had miss placed my jacket, I took this as a message from Grace that it was too soon for me to be out "partying" with friends post her death. I know this sounds crazy to those of you of rational mind, but in my irrational world... this makes complete sense. The next day I woke up feeling terrible, having hardly slept, and isolated myself in bed for the entire day feeling like a bad mommy. When the manager of the club could not find my jacket, he advised me to call the next night after 6pm with the possibility that they find my jacket once all other coat check items were picked up. So come 6pm on Sat. I called the club and believe it or not, they found my jacket. I was so relieved, now believing that this incident was not a message of disapproval from my baby. I went to bed that night, feeling better yet still kinda guilty for having enjoyed my self on the Friday evening... everything is bitter sweet these days.
On Sunday Ian and I volunteered at the Santa Clause Parade in T.O. to raise money for Sick Kids. We sold light up necklaces, DVD's and Hats from 10:30am until the parade passed where we were located (around 1:30pm). Our competitive spirits came out and we "worked" the route raising almost $500. We watched a bit of the parade... got to see Dora (Grace's favorite) but then headed home before it was over since Ian had to put in some hours at the office. We were obviously sad that we were not enjoying the parade with our sweet Grace, but you do the best you can with what you have, and that's what we did.
This week during the days I have spent time with girlfriends and there kids... injecting my self where ever I can so I still feel needed. The decorating of the house is going well but not surprising over budget... good thing I'm back to work in Jan. Tues. evening Ian and I went down to Sick Kids for training to volunteer at the One Of A Kind Show's Sick Kids booth this weekend. We ran into a nurse who asked about Grace not being aware that she had died... it was awkward but we managed. Wed. evening Ian and I attended a seminar put on by Dr. Weber (Healing through the Holidays) which had some good learnings... I guess my most favorite (or 2 most favorites were) 1. Grief is the price we pay for having been given the gift of true love... if you had not had experienced true love you would not experience the grief surrounding its loss 2. Your responsible for your own happiness. This last one compliments a learning from a book I read while Grace was under going treatment titled "You Can't Let Cancer Ruin Your Day". The author of this book (Syd Burell) is a father of a young boy who died as a result of Neuroblastoma (central nervous system cancer). He wrote of his grieving saying something like: life is about choices... you can look at a photo of your child who has died until you well up with tears due to missing them so much it feels physically unbearable, or you can CHOOSE to look at the photo long enough to remember the good times and then look away and count your blessings. So I guess if you combine to two things it would be that you are responsible for your own happiness and it's your choice to live in a way to promote this happiness... regardless of your circumstances. If happiness were a function of something material rather than choice then that would mean every millionaire would be happy and every poor person would not... we all know this is simply not the case. Point being... Ian and I are challenging our selves to be happy this holiday while grieving the loss of our angle... who was a gift of true love.
I hope you all have a happy, healthy weekend.
Mama misses you baby,
Les
P.S. Dawson (Grace's friend from Sick Kids) had a MRI on Tues. It showed that he is free of disease 8 months post treatment. Congratulations Dawson!!
Well I didn't get to blogging on Sunday as promised in my Saturday blogg and then next thing you know it's Friday again. Last weekend on Friday evening I went out with friends from work to celebrate one of my colleagues birthday. I viewed it as a good opportunity to see a few work people so that come January (when I return to work full time) my first day back is not completely overwhelming seeing everyone for the first time. The night was fun but come the end of the night, the coat check had lost my jacket. Not a big deal for most, but for me it was huge. It had nothing really to do with the loss of the jacket... I could really care less, I can buy a new jacket, it had to do with the "meaning" behind the loss. You see, these days everything holds greater meaning for me then what most would view it to be...let me explain. Since the coat check had miss placed my jacket, I took this as a message from Grace that it was too soon for me to be out "partying" with friends post her death. I know this sounds crazy to those of you of rational mind, but in my irrational world... this makes complete sense. The next day I woke up feeling terrible, having hardly slept, and isolated myself in bed for the entire day feeling like a bad mommy. When the manager of the club could not find my jacket, he advised me to call the next night after 6pm with the possibility that they find my jacket once all other coat check items were picked up. So come 6pm on Sat. I called the club and believe it or not, they found my jacket. I was so relieved, now believing that this incident was not a message of disapproval from my baby. I went to bed that night, feeling better yet still kinda guilty for having enjoyed my self on the Friday evening... everything is bitter sweet these days.
On Sunday Ian and I volunteered at the Santa Clause Parade in T.O. to raise money for Sick Kids. We sold light up necklaces, DVD's and Hats from 10:30am until the parade passed where we were located (around 1:30pm). Our competitive spirits came out and we "worked" the route raising almost $500. We watched a bit of the parade... got to see Dora (Grace's favorite) but then headed home before it was over since Ian had to put in some hours at the office. We were obviously sad that we were not enjoying the parade with our sweet Grace, but you do the best you can with what you have, and that's what we did.
This week during the days I have spent time with girlfriends and there kids... injecting my self where ever I can so I still feel needed. The decorating of the house is going well but not surprising over budget... good thing I'm back to work in Jan. Tues. evening Ian and I went down to Sick Kids for training to volunteer at the One Of A Kind Show's Sick Kids booth this weekend. We ran into a nurse who asked about Grace not being aware that she had died... it was awkward but we managed. Wed. evening Ian and I attended a seminar put on by Dr. Weber (Healing through the Holidays) which had some good learnings... I guess my most favorite (or 2 most favorites were) 1. Grief is the price we pay for having been given the gift of true love... if you had not had experienced true love you would not experience the grief surrounding its loss 2. Your responsible for your own happiness. This last one compliments a learning from a book I read while Grace was under going treatment titled "You Can't Let Cancer Ruin Your Day". The author of this book (Syd Burell) is a father of a young boy who died as a result of Neuroblastoma (central nervous system cancer). He wrote of his grieving saying something like: life is about choices... you can look at a photo of your child who has died until you well up with tears due to missing them so much it feels physically unbearable, or you can CHOOSE to look at the photo long enough to remember the good times and then look away and count your blessings. So I guess if you combine to two things it would be that you are responsible for your own happiness and it's your choice to live in a way to promote this happiness... regardless of your circumstances. If happiness were a function of something material rather than choice then that would mean every millionaire would be happy and every poor person would not... we all know this is simply not the case. Point being... Ian and I are challenging our selves to be happy this holiday while grieving the loss of our angle... who was a gift of true love.
I hope you all have a happy, healthy weekend.
Mama misses you baby,
Les
P.S. Dawson (Grace's friend from Sick Kids) had a MRI on Tues. It showed that he is free of disease 8 months post treatment. Congratulations Dawson!!
posted by Lesley at 12:46 p.m.
1 Comments:
Hey Les,
So sorry about your rough week. Try not to be hard on yourself. Grace would want you to find things to do to enjoy yourself and distract you from the pain of your loss. You are a wonderful person and a great mommy to Grace. She will always be proud of you.
Hugs,
Tracy
xo
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