Sick again...
Hi Everyone,
It's odd... for the entire 16 months Grace was ill, I do not recall ever being unwell (well physically at least.) You would think with being in hospital as much as we were that I would have picked something up, but I didn't. I don't know if my body was in "survival" mode and did not slow down even briefly enough to allow illness to set in, or if this was a "gift" facilitating me to be able to care for my baby to the best of my ability. Either way, I was physically well for these 16 months. I am now fighting my 2nd cold of the season having enjoyed only 4 days of being well since my 1st. Seems as though Ian picked this one up at work and I was unwell within 24 hours of him feeling the symptoms. He seems to be a day a head of me and is actually "out and about" today so I'm looking forward to doing the same early in the week. I really don't care about the cold... it's just a cold, but I find being unwell hard for two reasons. One... It makes me realize how unwell a little cold can make you feel. It makes me think about Grace's sever illness and acknowledge the countless days/ weeks/ months she must have felt so extremely unwell yet at the same time knowing no other feeling so possibly just believing this was the way a person always felt. I question whether she was so tolerate of treatment because she didn't know how it felt to feel well. This makes me so very sad...but also very proud of her at the same time. Sad that my baby didn't have the simple luxury of waking up in the morning and experiencing what it felt like to function in a well body. But so very proud that she endured such tragic fate with smiles and ambition, never once suggesting self pity. She taught me so many lessons that I'm so grateful for yet so wish her suffering could have been nonexistent. The other reason feeling unwell is hard is because I'm able to lye in bed and do nothing while sick. Although this may seem like a positive, for me it is heartrenching. When you're actively parenting and you are unwell, you don't have the "luxury" of staying in bed to help your body regain it's health. You have to "suck it up" and carry on with your days responsibilities. Well, last night Ian and I were in bed at 6pm, drinking soup and reading magazines until we dosed off around 10ish. I know to many this may sound luxurious but it's not... it is just lonely. I hate having this "luxury." It makes me miss her so very much. I think this is one of those "be careful what you wish for" things. If you find yourself wishing for some quiet as your children race around "driving you crazy", believe me when I tell you to be careful what you wish for, quiet is very lonely.
Mama misses you baby.
L~
P.S. I'm unable to volunteer at Sick Kids. Since I'm a bereaved parent, there is a waiting period that I must fulfill prior to being involved with the hospital. For now I will just volunteer with Grace's nursery school and focus on fund raising for brain tumour research until my waiting period is complete.
It's odd... for the entire 16 months Grace was ill, I do not recall ever being unwell (well physically at least.) You would think with being in hospital as much as we were that I would have picked something up, but I didn't. I don't know if my body was in "survival" mode and did not slow down even briefly enough to allow illness to set in, or if this was a "gift" facilitating me to be able to care for my baby to the best of my ability. Either way, I was physically well for these 16 months. I am now fighting my 2nd cold of the season having enjoyed only 4 days of being well since my 1st. Seems as though Ian picked this one up at work and I was unwell within 24 hours of him feeling the symptoms. He seems to be a day a head of me and is actually "out and about" today so I'm looking forward to doing the same early in the week. I really don't care about the cold... it's just a cold, but I find being unwell hard for two reasons. One... It makes me realize how unwell a little cold can make you feel. It makes me think about Grace's sever illness and acknowledge the countless days/ weeks/ months she must have felt so extremely unwell yet at the same time knowing no other feeling so possibly just believing this was the way a person always felt. I question whether she was so tolerate of treatment because she didn't know how it felt to feel well. This makes me so very sad...but also very proud of her at the same time. Sad that my baby didn't have the simple luxury of waking up in the morning and experiencing what it felt like to function in a well body. But so very proud that she endured such tragic fate with smiles and ambition, never once suggesting self pity. She taught me so many lessons that I'm so grateful for yet so wish her suffering could have been nonexistent. The other reason feeling unwell is hard is because I'm able to lye in bed and do nothing while sick. Although this may seem like a positive, for me it is heartrenching. When you're actively parenting and you are unwell, you don't have the "luxury" of staying in bed to help your body regain it's health. You have to "suck it up" and carry on with your days responsibilities. Well, last night Ian and I were in bed at 6pm, drinking soup and reading magazines until we dosed off around 10ish. I know to many this may sound luxurious but it's not... it is just lonely. I hate having this "luxury." It makes me miss her so very much. I think this is one of those "be careful what you wish for" things. If you find yourself wishing for some quiet as your children race around "driving you crazy", believe me when I tell you to be careful what you wish for, quiet is very lonely.
Mama misses you baby.
L~
P.S. I'm unable to volunteer at Sick Kids. Since I'm a bereaved parent, there is a waiting period that I must fulfill prior to being involved with the hospital. For now I will just volunteer with Grace's nursery school and focus on fund raising for brain tumour research until my waiting period is complete.
posted by Lesley at 1:20 p.m.
1 Comments:
My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas Trees
Around the world below
With tiny lights
Like heaven's stars
reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here
I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing
I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away
We really aren't apart
So be happy for me dear ones
you know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year
I send you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above
I send you each a memory of
My undying love
after all "love" is the gift
More precious than pure gold
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told
Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessing
Or love heas has for each of you
So have a Merry Christma s
And wipe away that tear
Remember I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
A note from the author "Wanda Bencke"
Lysandra Kay Bencke was my 13 year old handicapped daughter. On Christmas day 1997, Lysandra had a seizure and was in a coma for 5 days, before she passed away during thos five days I wrote "Christmas in Heaven"
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