Navigating my way...
Hi Everyone,
I hope this blogg finds everyone healthy. Well I'm having one of those sleepless nights which I've grown accustom to however this is my first since returning to work so I'm a little anxious about how I'm going to be up at 7am when it's 10min to 3am and I still haven't been able to find sleep. I've been having an "emotionally charged" week. I find since Grace has died I'm more sensitive to all aspects of living, but this week I find my self even more sensitive. If someone extends the smallest gesture of kindness, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. If someone is the tiniest bit insincere or unsupportive, I'm devastated for days. I search for meaning in simple circumstances of life that I would never invested time analyzing before. Maybe this is because I'm so desperate for answers. Answers as to how to navigate my way through life without Grace by my side, a task that doesn't seem to be getting more manageable with time. Naturally I assumed that with time, pain would subside, wounds would begin to heal... "time heals all wounds" right? It doesn't seem to be proving true for me. I miss Grace more with each day that passes because it's that much longer since I've held her in my arms and heard her call me Mama. I'm desperate to remember all the details of her time with me on earth and challenge my self daily to recall intricacies of her behavior so that I will never forget. With each day that I wake up without Grace by my side, I realize how important it is to surround my self with people who sincerely care about my well being, those who find meaning in trying to help me navigate my way and have the strength to endure. I often say to those who remain close to me that I promise I will not be such an exhausting friend forever and do hope to return the support extended 10 fold eventually. But it's funny because those I hold closest to my heart seem to sincerely fail to even recognize that they are doing anything "extra" and try to convince me that my company "as is" is a gift to them. On Wed. night I missed support group to attend the Executive Meeting for Grace's Nursery School. The mom's at this school arranged to have home made dinner delivered to Ian and I at the hospital 3 nights a week for months. They were the first to hold a fund raiser and then connected us to the Magic of Metals association who held our largest fundraiser to date. All of this even though Grace only attended Nursery School there 8 days before falling ill. I attend this meeting because I have absorbed bingo duty with another mom (Grace's nursery school is a co-operative not for profit and monthly bingos generate income to operate the school). At the meeting Grace's birthday fundraiser (Marketplace - go to www.gracestanley - fundraiser, for more information) was mentioned. Mostly to encourage those attending to tell family and friends about it so that turn out to the event would be good. However, without even suggesting that help was need, the offers of support were overwhelming and I found my self in tears. These are mom's who have 2,3,4 kids at home, many work full time jobs, care for husbands, family pets and all the other tasks that it takes to run a home in 2007, yet they were falling over themselves to bake, volunteer, get donations for raffles etc., etc. Not once was it mentioned how busy they were with just getting through their own day, never a mention as to whether is was feasible to add yet another "to do" to their never ending lists. All that mattered was that Grace was remembered and a successful fundraiser to support pediatric brain tumour research was what was going to do that in this moment. I miss my baby so much, and there was no better place to break down in devastation then surrounded by this group of phenomenal women. My goal for 2007, to help me navigate my way through days without Grace by my side, is to surround my self with phenomenal women and then strive to live to the standards they set with regards to community involement and commitment to not only their own families, but those in need. The last year has taught me that taking care of yourself and your immediate family is not enough. Without the help from others beyond my immediate family Ian and I would not have survived 2006. Everyone is busy, no one has time... but there is time if we make it, to extend a hand to those in need in our community. Here's to hopefully joining the ranks of phenomenal women!
Mama misses you baby.
L~
P.S. I forgot a puppy update. George is well, a wonderful addition to our home. He walks well on a leach, sits most times when asked, comes when called but is still having the odd accident in the house (but never on carpet so I can't complain). We changed his puppy classes to a school in Oakville recommended by friends of ours. Our first class is this Sat. We are hoping that they will guild us in finishing up his potty training. Now when George has an accident in the house, we just clean it up and tell him that he has to "get busy" outside. Ian and I can't seem to bring ourselves to discipline him... we're not convinced this is the only way... guess we'll find out on Sat.
I hope this blogg finds everyone healthy. Well I'm having one of those sleepless nights which I've grown accustom to however this is my first since returning to work so I'm a little anxious about how I'm going to be up at 7am when it's 10min to 3am and I still haven't been able to find sleep. I've been having an "emotionally charged" week. I find since Grace has died I'm more sensitive to all aspects of living, but this week I find my self even more sensitive. If someone extends the smallest gesture of kindness, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude. If someone is the tiniest bit insincere or unsupportive, I'm devastated for days. I search for meaning in simple circumstances of life that I would never invested time analyzing before. Maybe this is because I'm so desperate for answers. Answers as to how to navigate my way through life without Grace by my side, a task that doesn't seem to be getting more manageable with time. Naturally I assumed that with time, pain would subside, wounds would begin to heal... "time heals all wounds" right? It doesn't seem to be proving true for me. I miss Grace more with each day that passes because it's that much longer since I've held her in my arms and heard her call me Mama. I'm desperate to remember all the details of her time with me on earth and challenge my self daily to recall intricacies of her behavior so that I will never forget. With each day that I wake up without Grace by my side, I realize how important it is to surround my self with people who sincerely care about my well being, those who find meaning in trying to help me navigate my way and have the strength to endure. I often say to those who remain close to me that I promise I will not be such an exhausting friend forever and do hope to return the support extended 10 fold eventually. But it's funny because those I hold closest to my heart seem to sincerely fail to even recognize that they are doing anything "extra" and try to convince me that my company "as is" is a gift to them. On Wed. night I missed support group to attend the Executive Meeting for Grace's Nursery School. The mom's at this school arranged to have home made dinner delivered to Ian and I at the hospital 3 nights a week for months. They were the first to hold a fund raiser and then connected us to the Magic of Metals association who held our largest fundraiser to date. All of this even though Grace only attended Nursery School there 8 days before falling ill. I attend this meeting because I have absorbed bingo duty with another mom (Grace's nursery school is a co-operative not for profit and monthly bingos generate income to operate the school). At the meeting Grace's birthday fundraiser (Marketplace - go to www.gracestanley - fundraiser, for more information) was mentioned. Mostly to encourage those attending to tell family and friends about it so that turn out to the event would be good. However, without even suggesting that help was need, the offers of support were overwhelming and I found my self in tears. These are mom's who have 2,3,4 kids at home, many work full time jobs, care for husbands, family pets and all the other tasks that it takes to run a home in 2007, yet they were falling over themselves to bake, volunteer, get donations for raffles etc., etc. Not once was it mentioned how busy they were with just getting through their own day, never a mention as to whether is was feasible to add yet another "to do" to their never ending lists. All that mattered was that Grace was remembered and a successful fundraiser to support pediatric brain tumour research was what was going to do that in this moment. I miss my baby so much, and there was no better place to break down in devastation then surrounded by this group of phenomenal women. My goal for 2007, to help me navigate my way through days without Grace by my side, is to surround my self with phenomenal women and then strive to live to the standards they set with regards to community involement and commitment to not only their own families, but those in need. The last year has taught me that taking care of yourself and your immediate family is not enough. Without the help from others beyond my immediate family Ian and I would not have survived 2006. Everyone is busy, no one has time... but there is time if we make it, to extend a hand to those in need in our community. Here's to hopefully joining the ranks of phenomenal women!
Mama misses you baby.
L~
P.S. I forgot a puppy update. George is well, a wonderful addition to our home. He walks well on a leach, sits most times when asked, comes when called but is still having the odd accident in the house (but never on carpet so I can't complain). We changed his puppy classes to a school in Oakville recommended by friends of ours. Our first class is this Sat. We are hoping that they will guild us in finishing up his potty training. Now when George has an accident in the house, we just clean it up and tell him that he has to "get busy" outside. Ian and I can't seem to bring ourselves to discipline him... we're not convinced this is the only way... guess we'll find out on Sat.
posted by Lesley at 2:47 a.m.
1 Comments:
Hi Les, I'm so heartbroken at times when I read your updates and yet when I see you, you continue to amaze me with your strength and your courage.
I don't know from experience but I think that you are doing the most that anyone can do to overcome or at least exist with this pain.
Everyone that knows you feels priviledged to be in your company. You are still funny and smart and interesting and always a pleasure to be around.
We all miss your little princess and mourn that our children will not know her. But I know that one day you will be able to sleep a little better and the pain has to heal at least enough to allow you to live again.
Good luck friend. Me and Dave are here for you guys for anything. WE actually have a fundraising idea we want to run past you.
here's hoping you get some rest tonight,
love alice
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