Friday, October 26, 2007

Missing Grace, Anticipating Eli

It's hard to believe that I've been off work for 3 weeks now. Time has passed very quickly. My "To Do" list is slowly dwindling as Ian and I mark off completed projects however the one item that I marked as most urgent has been completely avoided. Prior to Grace being hospitalized in Oct. 2005, I was diligent at keeping her photo albums up to date. Once in the hospital I continued to take many pictures but never had the opportunity to print them. At this point they have all been downloaded on to my computer, burnt on to disks and re burnt onto backup disks just to be safe, but very few have been printed. I wanted to get her albums updated during this time of being at home prior to Eli's arrival but I just can't bring myself to do it. Just the thought of printing her last photo devastates me, exhausts me, makes me physically ill. How am I going to find the strength to do this? It's impossible for me to get my head around. It's in the same space as changing her room. Grace's room is still "as is" from when she died. We made our spare room Eli's nursery. Things have been added to Grace's room; a coconut shaped pink candle from our trip to Jamaica, a doll purchased from a SickKids fundraising event, a sea shell from our trip to North Carolina as well as all of the fundraising posters and newspaper articles generated as a result of our "Grace Compagnon Stanley Tribute Fund" raising efforts. From everything I've read, those who are "experts" in grief suggest tasks such as these (organizing belongings of the person who has died, changing their bedroom, etc.) should be done sooner as appose to later... but I just can't. I just can't box up her things, paint her room, print off her last picture. This is still her home and I can still smell her when I enter her room. How can I part with this when I have so little of her left? I just can't.

This morning I followed up with SickKids with regards to Grace's name being added to the Donor Hall of Honor due to our fundraising efforts exceeding $25,000. Since late August when my fund manager contacted me to inform Ian and I that Grace had earned her plaque and that the addition of her name would take place during a ceremony in early November, Ian and I have been looking forward to attending and even made back up plans that if we could not attend due to the ceremony's close proximity to Eli's arrival that Nana and Papa would attend in our absence. Well today when I spoke to our fund manager she informed me that they decided not to have a ceremony and the plaques had already been put up. This is so disappointing. Again with having so few opportunities to continue to parent Grace, it's just unfair for this to be taken from us. As well intentioned as so many Sick Kids employees are, until one has lost a child, it's impossible for them to achieve the level of sensitivity bereaved parents are desperate for. But what's done is done. Ian and I will head to SickKids in the next few days to see and take a picture of our angels plaque.

Yesterday I was at my OB. Seems as though I've entered the early stages of having Eli. If I do not have him this weekend, she wants to see me on Monday. She's considering inducing me a day early to ensure that I have him under controlled circumstances. My labor and delivery with Grace was very quick and if Eli is like Grace, she feels induction would be a safer option. Either way, we should be with baby within the week. We are so looking forward to his arrival!I'll be sure to post and let you know when Eli's here.

Mama misses you baby.
L~

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