Kind words from a stranger...
Hi Everyone,
Yesterday someone I don't know contacted me to let me know that she and her girlfriends still speak of Grace and live life differently as a result of having followed her storey. It was so nice to receive such a warm note and I responded to her as follows:
Thanks very much for your note. It is not an imposition at all.
Missing Grace is my new normal. There is no thought or action in my daily life that is not touched by the reality that she is no longer physically with me. Although I struggle with my beliefs with regards to how she now exists spiritually, there is not a word spoken, gesture made or action taken without the split second consult as to whether I’m making my angel proud. Grace is still so strongly present in my existence, but as time passes, and her name is mentioned less and those who knew her find a comfortable place to store her memory, I am so very grateful to know that her name is still spoken and her short difficult life continues to influence people other than just me. I’m desperate to “make sense of it all” although I’m pretty sure this is too tall of an order. However, I most defiantly believe Grace was given to me to teach me lessons that I would have other wise not learned. If I had the choice, I would have chosen ignorance, but since that choice was not mine, I will take the lessons and attempt to live a different, more compassionate life.
I miss her so very much and even after almost two years still find it hard to comprehend that she is physically gone forever. I often wonder what she would now be like at almost 5 years old. How long her hair would be, if she would still like Dora, how she would interact with her baby brother. Today, I grasp on to the immense joys that Eli brings into my world and pray constantly for his good health. This is not a journey I could endure again.
Thanks again for your note and more importantly for continuing to speak Grace’s name and choosing to live life by the lessons she taught us in her short life.
I thought I'd share this with everyone because after writing it I felt it summarized as well as I've ever been able to put into words where I'm at right now (and maybe forever). Life is still very difficult and missing Grace has not subsided even a tiny bit. I think many were hopeful (as I was) that Eli's arrival would heal my broken heart if not completely then at least a little bit. But it has not. I think I've figured out why. When you choose to have a second child, your love for the first does not subside to make room to love the second. Your heart seems to grow and its capacity increases allowing your love for the first to remain unchanged as your love for the second instantaneously matches it. Well for me, loosing Grace broke my heart. Having Eli did not heal it. My heart just grew and it's new greater capacity has me missing Grace as I always have yet loving Eli so very much. The two are exclusive of one another as my love for each is. I have not healed, I cope and consciously choose daily to create happiness for I strongly believe everyone is responsible for their own. Eli is so wonderful and as I toured the daycare that I was planning on bringing him to come Oct. when I return to work, I broke down and started to cry. Life is too short, much, much too short. On to plan B...
Mama misses you Baby.
Les
Yesterday someone I don't know contacted me to let me know that she and her girlfriends still speak of Grace and live life differently as a result of having followed her storey. It was so nice to receive such a warm note and I responded to her as follows:
Thanks very much for your note. It is not an imposition at all.
Missing Grace is my new normal. There is no thought or action in my daily life that is not touched by the reality that she is no longer physically with me. Although I struggle with my beliefs with regards to how she now exists spiritually, there is not a word spoken, gesture made or action taken without the split second consult as to whether I’m making my angel proud. Grace is still so strongly present in my existence, but as time passes, and her name is mentioned less and those who knew her find a comfortable place to store her memory, I am so very grateful to know that her name is still spoken and her short difficult life continues to influence people other than just me. I’m desperate to “make sense of it all” although I’m pretty sure this is too tall of an order. However, I most defiantly believe Grace was given to me to teach me lessons that I would have other wise not learned. If I had the choice, I would have chosen ignorance, but since that choice was not mine, I will take the lessons and attempt to live a different, more compassionate life.
I miss her so very much and even after almost two years still find it hard to comprehend that she is physically gone forever. I often wonder what she would now be like at almost 5 years old. How long her hair would be, if she would still like Dora, how she would interact with her baby brother. Today, I grasp on to the immense joys that Eli brings into my world and pray constantly for his good health. This is not a journey I could endure again.
Thanks again for your note and more importantly for continuing to speak Grace’s name and choosing to live life by the lessons she taught us in her short life.
I thought I'd share this with everyone because after writing it I felt it summarized as well as I've ever been able to put into words where I'm at right now (and maybe forever). Life is still very difficult and missing Grace has not subsided even a tiny bit. I think many were hopeful (as I was) that Eli's arrival would heal my broken heart if not completely then at least a little bit. But it has not. I think I've figured out why. When you choose to have a second child, your love for the first does not subside to make room to love the second. Your heart seems to grow and its capacity increases allowing your love for the first to remain unchanged as your love for the second instantaneously matches it. Well for me, loosing Grace broke my heart. Having Eli did not heal it. My heart just grew and it's new greater capacity has me missing Grace as I always have yet loving Eli so very much. The two are exclusive of one another as my love for each is. I have not healed, I cope and consciously choose daily to create happiness for I strongly believe everyone is responsible for their own. Eli is so wonderful and as I toured the daycare that I was planning on bringing him to come Oct. when I return to work, I broke down and started to cry. Life is too short, much, much too short. On to plan B...
Mama misses you Baby.
Les
posted by Lesley at 9:11 p.m.
1 Comments:
I too live very diffrently because of you and Grace. You don't know me but I have been following your blog since the beginning. I think that you are incredible woman, and because of you and Grace it has had a very big impact on my life. Thank you for sharing your story... for most of us Mom's there are days, when our kids can push us to our limits.... but then I think of you and all that you have been through, and I grab my kids and squeeze them so tight as it makes me realize how greatful I am... Thank you.
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