Luck

So you pray... for the health of your children, for the heath of your family & friends... to land a promotion, to do well on a exam, to get your weight down... hell, to get a good parking spot at the mall during the Xmas rush. How does God decide who's prayers to answer and who's he will not? Do you really think it works like that?? Before Grace became ill, things were very simple in my world. I lived my life believing that good things came to good people. So I would wake up each morning and just try to be good... work an honest job, keep a functional, loving home, be a good mom, wife, daughter and friend... just generally be nice, non-judgmental of others and as generous as I was able to be. This simple world lead me to believe that this goodness would be returned to me... and if not to me in my life time then to my children. Goodness given would result in goodness returned... simple. So where am I at now?? Well I no longer live in that simple world. I am no long that naive. I'm not even sure if god has the ability to answer prayers or if that's something just made up by humans. See I think as humans we like to be in control of our environment. Maybe when we are unable to control our environment, we then turn to prayer in hopes that what is not in our control than may possibly be in God's and via prayer we can influence his granting of blessings and as a result regain some level of control again. I remember one evening while Grace was close to death, I sat by her side in bed and talked about life with her palliative care doc. I remember Dr. Newman saying that she rarely prayed for specifics, she only prayed for general "goods". I figured this was a function of her roll. How could she pray for one child by name when she cared for so many? I assumed it would only be logical for her to pray for all ill/palliative children... you know, to be "fair". Now the more I think about it the more I question whether or not this was why she chose to pray like this. As I continue to examine my life circumstance, I realize specific prayer kinda makes me angry in a way. It is actually quite selfish and arrogant. Why would one believe that God would answer their prayers over another's? We all know not all prayers are answered so with specific praying we must be hoping that ours are granted at the expense of another's. When ones specific prayers are answered would that then suggest that they were more worthy than someone else who may not have been dealt the same favorable fate. Believe me, when my baby was ill and then dying, I prayed so hard that I nearly wore my knees out. Yet here I am... with the only remains of Grace to kiss good night being to cold lid of her marble urn. So tell me what went wrong?? Nothing! Because life is not as simple as good out, good in... abundant prayer, abundant blessings. There's this mystical factor called luck. Sometimes your lucky and some times your not. Keep this in mind... LUCK. No matter how good of a person you are and how much you pray you can just have shit luck. Then again you could be a miserable sacrilegious person and have amazing luck. Luck has a lot to do with where you find your self from one day to the next. So when you look at all that you've achieved, I think it's important to recognize how hard you have worked to get to where you're at but also recognize that in ways luck has been on your side. And vise versa of course... if your down and out and you feel you've worked so hard without getting to where you want to be, maybe luck just has not been on your side. Maybe the street kid that is annoying you when he attempts to squeegee your window has just had really shitty luck and their circumstance is not as a result of lack of effort. It drives me crazy when someone refuses to give money to street people because they "have two arms and legs" and for some reason this means they are capable of achieving employment so they will not part with their coins when asked. Maybe this person has just had really bad luck. I know I've just had really bad luck. Even with two arms, two legs, a loving healthy husband and a functional uterus, I'm childless... shitty, shitty, luck. Take some time... thnik about it.

Mama misses you baby.
L~

P.S. Here's praying for good luck! :-)

P.S.S. We're walking on Sat. Thanks to all that have donated. You can donated 24/7 at www.gracestanley.org. All proceeds going to Brain Tumour research via the Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto.

Better Week

Hi Everyone,

Well I didn't get to blogging on Sunday as promised in my Saturday blogg and then next thing you know it's Friday again. Last weekend on Friday evening I went out with friends from work to celebrate one of my colleagues birthday. I viewed it as a good opportunity to see a few work people so that come January (when I return to work full time) my first day back is not completely overwhelming seeing everyone for the first time. The night was fun but come the end of the night, the coat check had lost my jacket. Not a big deal for most, but for me it was huge. It had nothing really to do with the loss of the jacket... I could really care less, I can buy a new jacket, it had to do with the "meaning" behind the loss. You see, these days everything holds greater meaning for me then what most would view it to be...let me explain. Since the coat check had miss placed my jacket, I took this as a message from Grace that it was too soon for me to be out "partying" with friends post her death. I know this sounds crazy to those of you of rational mind, but in my irrational world... this makes complete sense. The next day I woke up feeling terrible, having hardly slept, and isolated myself in bed for the entire day feeling like a bad mommy. When the manager of the club could not find my jacket, he advised me to call the next night after 6pm with the possibility that they find my jacket once all other coat check items were picked up. So come 6pm on Sat. I called the club and believe it or not, they found my jacket. I was so relieved, now believing that this incident was not a message of disapproval from my baby. I went to bed that night, feeling better yet still kinda guilty for having enjoyed my self on the Friday evening... everything is bitter sweet these days.

On Sunday Ian and I volunteered at the Santa Clause Parade in T.O. to raise money for Sick Kids. We sold light up necklaces, DVD's and Hats from 10:30am until the parade passed where we were located (around 1:30pm). Our competitive spirits came out and we "worked" the route raising almost $500. We watched a bit of the parade... got to see Dora (Grace's favorite) but then headed home before it was over since Ian had to put in some hours at the office. We were obviously sad that we were not enjoying the parade with our sweet Grace, but you do the best you can with what you have, and that's what we did.

This week during the days I have spent time with girlfriends and there kids... injecting my self where ever I can so I still feel needed. The decorating of the house is going well but not surprising over budget... good thing I'm back to work in Jan. Tues. evening Ian and I went down to Sick Kids for training to volunteer at the One Of A Kind Show's Sick Kids booth this weekend. We ran into a nurse who asked about Grace not being aware that she had died... it was awkward but we managed. Wed. evening Ian and I attended a seminar put on by Dr. Weber (Healing through the Holidays) which had some good learnings... I guess my most favorite (or 2 most favorites were) 1. Grief is the price we pay for having been given the gift of true love... if you had not had experienced true love you would not experience the grief surrounding its loss 2. Your responsible for your own happiness. This last one compliments a learning from a book I read while Grace was under going treatment titled "You Can't Let Cancer Ruin Your Day". The author of this book (Syd Burell) is a father of a young boy who died as a result of Neuroblastoma (central nervous system cancer). He wrote of his grieving saying something like: life is about choices... you can look at a photo of your child who has died until you well up with tears due to missing them so much it feels physically unbearable, or you can CHOOSE to look at the photo long enough to remember the good times and then look away and count your blessings. So I guess if you combine to two things it would be that you are responsible for your own happiness and it's your choice to live in a way to promote this happiness... regardless of your circumstances. If happiness were a function of something material rather than choice then that would mean every millionaire would be happy and every poor person would not... we all know this is simply not the case. Point being... Ian and I are challenging our selves to be happy this holiday while grieving the loss of our angle... who was a gift of true love.

I hope you all have a happy, healthy weekend.

Mama misses you baby,
Les

P.S. Dawson (Grace's friend from Sick Kids) had a MRI on Tues. It showed that he is free of disease 8 months post treatment. Congratulations Dawson!!

2nd Annual Walk for Grace

Hi Everyone,

Seems as though I did not post my blog from Nov. 8 (Busy, Busy...) properly so I just posted it again. Hopefully now everyone can view it.

I had an emotional weekend, will blog about it tomorrow when I'm feeling stronger, but for now I just wanted to draw your attention to our upcoming fundraiser for brain tumour research. The 2nd Annual Walk for Grace will be held on Sat. Dec. 2nd. Please visit www.gracestanley.org and go to the fundraiser tab to read all the details. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Again, sorry for the bland blog... just so tired and I like to write when I'm able to view life as "glass half full"... tonight is one of those "glass half empty" nights.

Will be in touch soon.

Mama misses you baby.
L~

Busy, Busy...

Hi Everyone,

I believe it's only been a week since my last post but I sure have a lot to chirp about! Where to begin...

Last Thurs. Ian, Nana, Papa and I attended mass honoring all those who have died this year (Nov. is the month of All Souls if you're Catholic.) We decided to attend although we knew it would be very difficult. Ian was very sad, but as always, my rock. I began crying when we pulled out of the driveway on our way to church, and continued to cry until the ceremony ended and as the four of us walked to the car I pulled it together enough to jokingly say "well, I think I handled that well!" as I reached for yet another tissue to try to disguise how ugly my cry had become. Nana and Papa also shed tears. I am very aware how difficult this must be for them. Not only have they lost their grandbaby, who they loved as much (if not more??) then their own children, they also must watch there only daughter suffer through the pain of losing her only child. The mass was nice. Grace's name was called out at which time Ian and I lit a candle in her honor and placed it on the alter. I'm glad we went even with all the tears that were shed.

Saturday was Papa's 60th birthday... HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA! I know his only wish was to squeeze his grandbaby and possibly play a game of "dragon chasing baby" (a Papa specialty) although he had to settle for a wonderful brunch prepared by Nana and lots of gift certificates for Golf Town from those who love him. Between the new clubs and the "grace of Grace" watching over you from heaven... maybe your game will improve in '07!

My hubby has been so very busy. His hours at the office have been a little longer than normal as well as putting in some hours in the evening on his laptop... I believe he's preparing for inventory. This wouldn't at all be a problem if I also wasn't so demanding with regards to his time. You see... since I'm not working I've been spending my day time hours decorating the house. Seems as though there has not been a day in the last week that he has not had a picture to hang, wall sconces to install, under cabinet lighting to put up or chandelier to hang. See I'm kinda spoiled. Ian is very handy and I just assume he can do everything... which he can but it is also very time consuming (not to mention at times life threatening.... I didn't realize how tricky it is to install a chandelier on a landing that has 12 foot ceilings... sorry babe!)

Finally happy, happy birthday to Zen and Nicky (Grace's best friend). We celebrated their 1st and 3rd birthdays this weekend with a huge swim party (over 100 people). For those of you who don't know my good girlfriend Jen... her motto is "go big or go home!" I guess with 4 kids most can assume that's her motto. There was enough food to feed 200 and I had the pleasure of being Nicky's swim partner. I have to admit, tears were shed on the way home because Grace would have so enjoyed the party, but I'm so thankful to have the Depaz's in my life. I'm not sure how Jen and Al do it, but the kids understand Grace's death so well and live it without the apprehension that as adults we naturally own. Nicky still asks me all the time if Grace is still in "heaBen" (heaven). And when I reply "Yes" she then talks about how Grace must be playing with Quinn (the Depaz family dog that died earlier in the summer) and eating macaroni & cheese, hotdogs and ketchup. I then tell her "she sure is!"

Mama misses you baby.
L~

This week...

Well I continue to struggle with this cold... just a dry cough right now but enough so that I'm unable to rest peacefully at night... looks like Ian bounced back quicker then me. I hope everyone enjoyed the warm weather on Halloween. I am happy to report that Ian and I got through the evening with some sadness but overall we were happy with how we managed. Ian got held up at work so the first 1/2 dozen "trick or treater's" I managed on my own. My social worker from the hospital called at 5:45pm to see how we were handling the day and I stayed on the phone with him until Ian got home so that definitely helped. The kids were cute although a lot fewer than I had anticipated having bought 160 treats, we maybe had 50 kids. Ian and I were excited to see a little boy dressed up as a giraffe in the same giraffe costume that Grace wore for her first and only well Halloween. We missed her tremendously and were constantly thinking of what our evening would have been if she were with us but at the same time so grateful that we had our found memories to give us strength and get us through the pain of missing her.

Yesterday I had a meeting with a grief councilor (pre interview to being accepted into the support group that starts in Jan.) It was OK... many tears shed but her daughter also died at a young age due to illness so it was an interesting experience speaking to someone who can relate to the heartache. We spoke for over 3 hours.

We have found some volunteer activities through the Sick Kids Foundation. This is separate from Sick Kids hospital and does not require bereaved parents to wait one year post receiving treatment at the hospital to volunteer. This is because when you volunteer with the Foundation, you are not in direct contact with patients and parents. Ian and I will be volunteering with the Sick Kids Foundation in two ways: 1) selling "Starlight" necklaces along the parade route of the Santa Clause Parade to raise money for the Sick Kids Fund; 2) Selling lottery tickets at a booth at the One of A Kind Show to also raise money for the Sick Kids Fund. We look forward to continuing to volunteer with the Sick Kids Foundation as opportunities come available.

So, have you started your Christmas shopping? Have you decided what to get that person who has everything? Well here's an idea... You are able to donate money to Sick Kids honoring the person that you would like to buy a gift for. They will be sent a card so that they are aware you have made this donation in their honor or the card can be sent to you so that you can give it directly to them. When Ian and I sat down and did our Christmas budget, we were able to allocate over $800 to Grace's fund honoring those who have done so much for us over the past several months. We won't have a lot of presents under our Christmas tree, but we are confident that those we chose to honor with these donations will prefer this statement of gratitude. So here's the challenge... are you able to donate money to Sick Kids honoring those who you have no idea what to buy or those who seem to have everything? Any donation over $10 receives a tax receipt. Every $10 is a step towards finding cures for deadly pediatric diseases. Grace's fund is called the Grace Compagnon Stanley Tribute Fund if you would prefer the money to go directly to brain tumour research. Just call (416) 813-7350 or go to www.sickkidsfoundation.com and state which fund you would like the money to go to, the amount and who the donation is honoring (Ie your boss, parents, best friend etc.) They then do everything else. It is an easy, seamless process and a good way to celebrate Christmas!

Mama misses you baby.
L~