Missing Grace, Anticipating Eli

It's hard to believe that I've been off work for 3 weeks now. Time has passed very quickly. My "To Do" list is slowly dwindling as Ian and I mark off completed projects however the one item that I marked as most urgent has been completely avoided. Prior to Grace being hospitalized in Oct. 2005, I was diligent at keeping her photo albums up to date. Once in the hospital I continued to take many pictures but never had the opportunity to print them. At this point they have all been downloaded on to my computer, burnt on to disks and re burnt onto backup disks just to be safe, but very few have been printed. I wanted to get her albums updated during this time of being at home prior to Eli's arrival but I just can't bring myself to do it. Just the thought of printing her last photo devastates me, exhausts me, makes me physically ill. How am I going to find the strength to do this? It's impossible for me to get my head around. It's in the same space as changing her room. Grace's room is still "as is" from when she died. We made our spare room Eli's nursery. Things have been added to Grace's room; a coconut shaped pink candle from our trip to Jamaica, a doll purchased from a SickKids fundraising event, a sea shell from our trip to North Carolina as well as all of the fundraising posters and newspaper articles generated as a result of our "Grace Compagnon Stanley Tribute Fund" raising efforts. From everything I've read, those who are "experts" in grief suggest tasks such as these (organizing belongings of the person who has died, changing their bedroom, etc.) should be done sooner as appose to later... but I just can't. I just can't box up her things, paint her room, print off her last picture. This is still her home and I can still smell her when I enter her room. How can I part with this when I have so little of her left? I just can't.

This morning I followed up with SickKids with regards to Grace's name being added to the Donor Hall of Honor due to our fundraising efforts exceeding $25,000. Since late August when my fund manager contacted me to inform Ian and I that Grace had earned her plaque and that the addition of her name would take place during a ceremony in early November, Ian and I have been looking forward to attending and even made back up plans that if we could not attend due to the ceremony's close proximity to Eli's arrival that Nana and Papa would attend in our absence. Well today when I spoke to our fund manager she informed me that they decided not to have a ceremony and the plaques had already been put up. This is so disappointing. Again with having so few opportunities to continue to parent Grace, it's just unfair for this to be taken from us. As well intentioned as so many Sick Kids employees are, until one has lost a child, it's impossible for them to achieve the level of sensitivity bereaved parents are desperate for. But what's done is done. Ian and I will head to SickKids in the next few days to see and take a picture of our angels plaque.

Yesterday I was at my OB. Seems as though I've entered the early stages of having Eli. If I do not have him this weekend, she wants to see me on Monday. She's considering inducing me a day early to ensure that I have him under controlled circumstances. My labor and delivery with Grace was very quick and if Eli is like Grace, she feels induction would be a safer option. Either way, we should be with baby within the week. We are so looking forward to his arrival!I'll be sure to post and let you know when Eli's here.

Mama misses you baby.
L~

Living for Today.

Hi Everyone,

Since last blogging life has been pretty routine for Ian and I. I have begun my mat. leave with Eli due in 3 short weeks. Ian has wrapped up his final deck job (Ian has a small decking business that he works evenings and weekends during summer months) and I'm very much enjoying having him home more in the last week then he has probably been all summer. For Thanksgiving, Nana and Papa went to Grand Valley to visit with my brother and with Ian finishing up lose ends with regards to his last deck job we did not make any plans. However, as always, the DePaz's insisted we join them and we enjoyed a wonderful turkey dinner with Al, Jen, the kids, many members of Jen's family as well as a high school friend that we hadn't seen in a while, Neil. It was a really nice evening. Thanksgiving Monday during the day was Nikki (Grace's best friend) and her little sister Zenaide's birthday party at Springridge Farm. Two years ago Nikki's birthday was also held here and this was the last event that Ian, Grace and I attended prior to receiving the devastating news that Grace's tumour was malignant and not benign as diagnosed the previous May. I remember that day at Springridge so clearly. Grace was having difficulty walking so her Daddy carried her everywhere. I remember Grace not wanting to ride the pony but enjoying her daddy squeezing his way into the chicken coop with her in his arms so that she could collect an egg like all the other kids. I remember Ian and I sadly acknowledging that this would be our last family outing for a while however looking forward to her upcoming MRI on the Wednesday believing that this was the first step in Grace regaining full control over the movement of her right leg which had been deteriorating due to what the doctor's believed was the benign tumour irritating the part of her brain responsible for gross motor skills of this leg. However, instead of that MRI being the first of many steps in the "routine" removal of a benign tumour, it ended up detecting that Grace's tumour was not benign as original scans had suggested but malignant and now over 10times the size it was in May...our world began to crumble. Grace was immediately admitted to hospital, surgery took place within 36 hours and aggressive chemo began. I do look back at our time with Grace in the hospital very fondly. Even with the countless medical procedures, surgeries and at times unbearable illness that Grace had to endure, the memories of bubble baths, building tents in her hospital bed, riding the elevator, arts and crafts, so many stickers and so many hugs, kisses and laughter dominate my memory. But I do remember looking forward to our time in the hospital ending and getting Grace home in hopes of living a more normal life. Little did I know that I was wishing to begin the end of my time with Grace and not the beginning of normalcy. So once again I was changed by this experience, taught by Grace another lesson. It taught me to never wish for tomorrow if today is OK. As of late, many people are asking me if I'm tired of being pregnant and ready for Eli to be here. As much as I'm looking forward to Eli's arrival, I'm OK with today. Wishing for tomorrow can bring a whole can of worms that may make you look back at yesterday with envy. I think it's easy to fall into this way of always living for tomorrow believing it will be better than today. What if tomorrow brings something unexpected and devastating or even worse... tomorrow just doesn't happen? Mama once again thanks Grace for the lessons she taught as I live for today.

Mama misses you baby.
Les